True Grit! What is freedom? !tirG eurT

I had another amazing day today after what started lousily. But time and time again—as has been a recurring theme in and out of different yoga studios throughout Los Angeles over this seven-year period of being on the West Coast—I am nearing the conclusion that the business of expanding personal freedom is so far from a given and that to continue and thrive, it must be fought for every day, both outside and in. And it wouldn’t be so tasty if is was easy. In yoga as in many other sports necessitating endurance, this persistence is commonly referred to as ‘breaking through’ or having that ‘second (or third) wind’. Recently, in yoga classes, I have found myself in physically-demanding poses where the burning sensation in my thigh muscles or shoulders felt as if my flesh was burning so hot it would melt off of my body like hot plasma. This pain is what many teachers in one way or another have routinely suggested as a place where one come to terms with whole selves. It is in the middle of these postures where healthy relationships to our edge of limitations are confronted as well as the opportunity to enlarge or expand them. This is done by disassociating the negative stigma that we might attach to physical and/or mental pain while holding the poses. Furthermore, many teachers  suggest that if we worked on changing our attitudes during these postures towards acceptance of discomfort and pain we might start breathing fire! : ) Or just experience extreme joy.

I have come to take up this cause, of observing calm in the midst of chaos both in yoga as is in life. Any storm, no matter how big or threatening, will dissipate, “so breathe” the  teachers say. So, throughout my last few weeks here, I’ve put in concrete terms, that the high and lows happen no matter what, but how we handle ourselves in between is what really is at stake: The present moment, and it begs one to take a position, one that will constantly recur and will always invite a solution; are we the ones deciding or are we being decided for? I trust that in one of life’s greatest questions, it must be worth the pain of finding out.

***

 

 

I know my time has come. I see the ship and I am standing on the foggy port, bags packed, myself readied. The smell of salty and fishy water washes in my nostrils. I breathe it in becoming intoxicated by its wildness as well as by my mind moving in tandem with it. I am in admiration of having been delivered to bask in a deep brightness.

Others move about as if around me, it is a normal and normally-lovely day. I can feel uplift sprouting about as people mill about, as if their dreams and aspirations weren’t trapped and suffocated in only our individual shells but fluid, seeking, wandering and circulating among us all, and what we feel, which is resplendent! The sun has poked through. Amidst haziness, a patch of the ocean shimmers and light scatters about.

To which I feel free is yours as much as mine. Rejoice, for we have arrived in astute fashion from dank and bloodied repositories with vision blinded by betrayal of an epic magnitude. Whatever it was, you’re forgiven, but only because you have paid your dues, put in your toil and turned in your hours from when you were called upon. You were in safe-holding all along, while unbeknownst to you, your mettle was being evaluated and scrutinized. Did you think we’d let you down after all this?

You have fundamentally changed, and have been changed by the world, no longer to be relegated to trivial pursuits. You have been called upon for life’s ultimate journey which is, that it is yours and yours fully. Now take it and make us proud.

***

The smile on his face is one that bares semblance to reality, no longer easy and cheap, but fought for and wrested from compromised hands to have made his own and in his own form.

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My monument | http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Of_Human_Bondage

I am pretty amazed by the character of Philip Carey in this book. 

Today was and is a spectacular day – bright, warm yet clarified. I was scooping it up on a long errand from work to the post office to drop off the bulk mailing. Now more than ever, I see the beginnings of this “city of the future” taking hold. Development has kicked into action with condominiums (an astonishing amount) breaking ground on almost every vacant corner of the distance between Downtown and Mid-Wilshire. It is not an exaggeration. They rise up like old teeth upon a fragile foundation and definitely, a changing cultural and socio-economic ecosystem for which we (meaning L.A.) are in a new era. Where do I fit into all of this? Like Philip Carey in the novel’s middle, I am wide-eyed, yet have been heartbroken, have understood my own limitations, have stood in awe towards the greatness of this and any other big city, am motivated to take it all in my grasp, carefully shaping it into a beautiful object so that life would have been used towards something pristine, sacred and holy. Pure, this idea of pure isn’t really current anymore for me. This concept of returning to a pure state or something or maintaining innocence or facades of civility is actually a lack of courage which I have learned, does no one any good. Life is just not as interesting to refer to something that has not been shaped by the currents of life: There is balance in resistance. Two forces colliding, creating pressure and forcing something new. Life is pain. Pain is life. To understand this is to become one with nature and greatness, hurt and all. It is life. So I’ll take it.