Late at night

It’s getting so real. Life has this way of directing you on your own path at some point, all you know is that you’re alone and you’re going to be traveling alone and somehow, this is making it right with the universe. It is. Only then do you have to take that plunge and hope you’ll formulate a direction that yields the way. Have courage. I’m there. I feel like I’m at the edge of a cliff, about to say bye to all I know. It’s the first time I’m scared of such intensity in a long time. I was excited all of last week and now that excitement is becoming anxiety. I hope I know what I’m doing. It’s like I’ve been living on a foreign land for the last 7 years. I’m finally taking steps out of that and am going to go now to the larger vibration and something like another kind of directional home. I feel like this thing happens to most people a lot earlier in life. It’s the mature thing, to let it all go…the ego, what the ego’s desires are and temper the ego with honesty and some humility towards this – this – this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This that is bigger than me. I can’t go on distrusting, and avoiding this aspect of life – that is a force and that I need to respect what is bigger and more powerful than myself, so that I can live. What a conundrum, I know. I can’t believe I’m even saying all of this because it must sound ridiculous and crazy. I needed to get here in my own life, to make an actual decision that would have purpose. I subconsciously knew that. Until now, life has been just about getting to this point! And I guess I got here or I’m getting here, or whatever. I’m here.

This crossroads and point of no return. I can’t believe I am breaking my own space up this way with something current, immediate and personal in this blog. I usually try to keep it light, but this isn’t light at all. There’s no other thing I can say. I’m scared. I’m terrified that I’ll get lost and forget all I know, but I’m also knowing my life’s just begun and that today I become a new person… I mean, I won’t become a new person – I’ll be me, but that me will take on the experience and information of now and tomorrow and will cohere differently. It’s so crazy and is a trip. I need to let it go. Ready to do it. Okay, I just needed to get that out of the way. I’m going into the future without ego. I accept surrender to the path that has always been here for me, but that I’ve not been ready to step into because I wasn’t for what a noble path requires. It requires not living an unhealthy lifestyle, blissfully ignorant of real suffering, real awareness, real challenges and real steadiness, not some privileged bullshit, not some, “I can skate around whenever I please and I’ll be a formless parasite.” No, life is to be formed when you’re ready for that. It’s ready for me. Rinse and repeat I know. Thanks. I’m here, at the trail’s head. What do I do!? Dare I say it, just go.

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